Mariah Carey should stick to the stage, not screen

ELLIOTT SMITH

Originally published Friday, February 1, 2002

Singers are an interesting bunch. They make a lot of money, tour the world, have fans throw them underwear on stage and yet still aren't satisfied.

The secret to happiness? Becoming an actor, apparently.

Just about everyone who can sing in key thinks they have what it takes to become a movie star, a faulty line of reasoning if I've ever heard one.

Just because I can type really fast doesn't mean that I can slink over to the courthouse and instantly become a stenographer. But hey, most of the interlopers learn the hard way about the pitfalls of Hollywood.

Take Mariah Carey. After years on top of the pop game, she decided to try her hand at the movies and the resulting film, GLITTER (PG-13) *, was so awful, it sent her into a nervous breakdown and cost her a $100 million dollar recording contract. Yes, it's that bad.

We first meet Mariah's character, Billie Frank, during a smoky session at a nightclub, where her mother brings her on stage and wows the crowd with her prolific pipes. But soon after, Billie is shuttled off to an orphanage for reasons which are never fully explained.

This is a serious problem throughout the film. Things happen, but it's like the filmmakers forget to tell us about it. For instance, after Billie and her friends meet up with a shady record producer looking for backup for his untalented protege. We see him alter the vocals so that Billie's voice is prominent, but there are no other consequences. Should we care? I guess not.

Billie meets up with Dice (Max Beesley), a local DJ who wants to make her a star, and BAM!, before you know it, she is.

But once again, the movie's vagueness drains any credibility from the story.

We're told that Billie has had "the No. 1 single for 10 weeks," but later it's revealed that she still doesn't have an album ready. Huh? Billie performs at the American Music Awards, but then can walk down a busy New York street without anyone noticing her? What? Later, she headlines a sold-out show at Madison Square Garden, but no one in her entourage knows where she is minutes before? Please.

Quite simply, Mariah Carey has all the acting range of a microphone stand. Her emotions go from vapid to insipid, and even her singing scenes seemed forced. Amazingly, Beesley is even worse, as his horrible New York accent is about as authentic as his character.

To give you an idea how awful this is, The Video Gal -- who had nearly lapsed into a catatonic state while watching -- only brightened when one of the movie's major characters was murdered.

Remember the early '90s? The Video Guy does rather fondly, although the short-lived reign of Marky Mark at the top of the pop charts was one thing I wouldn't mind forgetting.

So would Marky, who went back to being Mark Wahlberg and dove headlong into acting, although his latest project, ROCK STAR (R) ** 1/2, does hit a little close to home.

Chris Cole (Wahlberg) is the world's biggest fan of '80s metal band Steel Dragon, going as far as starting a "tribute" band with his friends in Pittsburgh. Despite impressive pipes and the steely good looks of Marky Mark, Chris is content with living through Steel Dragon and its lead singer, Bobby Beers, copying his clothes, hair and body piercings.

But all that changes when Beers leaves the band and Steel Dragon makes Chris the new singer, thrusting him into a world he only dreamed about.

Now for about the first hour-plus, this is an engaging look at the rock life, with a strong performance by Wahlberg (who excels at playing idiot savants) and a decent one by Jennifer Aniston as his love interest. But somewhere toward the finale, it takes a wrong turn into an abrupt, forced ending that doesn't jibe with the rest of the movie.

Only a few years ago, Sean "Puffy" Combs was on top of the world, with unparalleled musical success. But then Biggie died, J. Lo. left him and his record sales sank. So what's a rapper to do? Make movies!

Actually, P-Diddy made the smartest move of any recent wannabe actor by not grabbing a star role, but taking a supporting one in the hilarious MADE (R) ***, which reunites the team of Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn from "Swingers."

Here Jon and Vince play bumbling henchmen for mob boss Peter Falk, who sends them out to New York to help Ruiz (Puffy) deal with some issues.

Now if you've seen "Swingers," you know the rapport Favreau and Vaughn have together, and it's almost exactly the same here. If Vaughn's character doesn't get on your nerves -- like it does every single person in the film -- then you must be cut from the same cloth.

This is a very verbal movie. Characters talk and talk, bicker and banter, leaving very little room for action, which may bore some. But Favreau's writing keeps the plot moving, and there are plenty of laughs to be had.

Puffy does a good job with his role by keeping it low-key and actually projecting the aura the way the character was written. It's a small part, but it's a start in the right direction.

Elliott Smith is a sportswriter for The Olympian by night and The Video Guy even later at night. Readers may send comments or suggestions to esmith@olympia.gannett.com.

Star guide

Superior * * * *

Good * * *

Fair * *

Poor *

The Olympian Copyright 2002

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