DAN MCLELLAN

FORGET THIS 'ROLLERBALL' HAPPENED

DAN MCLELLAN

Originally published Friday, February 15, 2002

John McTiernan's "Rollerball" is the most disgusting piece of exploitative trash ever committed to the big screen.

"Inspired" by William Harrison's short story "Roller Ball Murders" and Norman Jewison's 1975 film "Rollerball" starring James Caan, this new version takes the concept of the sport, steals some scenes and fills the soundtrack with thrashing (irritating) metal.

The original "Rollerball" has a horribly dated techno score. The new music is worse. The original "Rollerball" has impressive central performances with a few weak supporting turns. McTiernan's film has tolerable LL Cool J, bland Chris Klein and ridiculous Jean Reno. Oh, and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos? Well ... she was ... Rebecca Romijn-Stamos with a goofy Russian accent.

McTiernan is a talented action movie director: "Die Hard," "Predator," "The Hunt for Red October," "Die Hard: With a Vengeance." That's an impressive resume. That makes this film so much more painful to suffer through. Bad script, bad acting, bad music, bad directing, bad everything. I was hoping that, even if it wasn't a great movie, the new "Rollerball" would draw attention to the Jewison cult-classic.

But now I'm afraid it still will but for all the wrong reasons. As people leave the theater at the 45-minute mark they will have no desire to see it. Please, forget this piece of junk, rent the original, and save a buck or two.

The story for the new "Rollerball" is laughable: The year is 2005, and rollerball is "the hottest sport start-up ever." Created by Petrovitch (Reno), rollerball is a popular but confusing mix of roller derby, hockey and pro wrestling.

Petrovitch is attempting to acquire an American cable network deal, and to do this he thinks he needs to raise ratings. His plan is to create a no-holds-barred death sport. Jonathon Cross (Klein) is the sport's most popular player, and Petrovitch will do anything, even kill his friends, to keep Cross on the team.

The story is flawed in its foundation mainly because what Reno wants is ridiculously easy to get. American cable has shows that consist of fighting robots and fighting cooks. This makes the extreme measures Petrovitch goes to hilarious.

This is an action movie and I can forgive some lapses of realism, but this is insulting. In the night-vision chase alone there are three blatant moments of stupidity:

- 1. When chasing our protagonists, three cars full of thugs magically lose interest when Klein and Cool J change vehicles midway.

- 2. A military cargo plane flying about 9 feet above the ground at 10 mph then follows him. If Petrovitch can afford a cargo plane, why is he going to such lengths to keep two measly players?

- 3. Our two heroes then have to jump a bridge that has been inconveniently raised at about 3 in the morning.

While these scenes do add some much-needed humor to the proceedings, it's all unintentional.

McTiernan should be penalized not only for creating such a god-awful piece of filth but also for desecrating the memory of a great cult classic. Shame on you, John.

Daniel McLellan is a freshman at Olympia High School.

'Rollerball'

No stars

- Rating: PG-13.

- Playing: Capital Mall Cinemas.

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The Olympian Copyright 2002

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