Elliott Smith

Today's scary movies are OK if you're easily frightened

Elliott Smith

Originally published Friday, April 5, 2002

Getting scared is a good thing. It's one of those natural emotions the body needs to experience every once in a while to shake things up.

While there are lots of frightening things out there -- taxes, flying, Bill O'Reilly -- the best way to give yourself a good jolt is through a good, old-fashioned scary movie.

I love 'em. The problem is, I don't get scared very much any more. So I have to live vicariously through the chills of another person.

When I watch horror movies, I think, "Would The Video Gal be scared?" More often than not, the answer is yes, so that means it's done well.

To the old codgers who complain that they don't make them like they used to, Dark Castle Entertainment is listening. They remade the 1950s horror classic "House on Haunted Hill" and now return with another blast from the past, THIRTEEN GHOSTS (R) ***.

Surely that film didn't feature a graphic decapitation or full-frontal nudity, but that's neither here nor there.

The plot essentially stays the same -- grieving widower Arthur (Tony Shalhoub) and his family inherit a house from his recently deceased uncle (Oscar winner (!) F. Murray Abraham) only to find that things are not what they seem.

In this case, the house is filled with angry ghosts that good ol' uncle Cyrus has collected over the years, each of which have a distinct personality and a thirst for ... blood!!!!! (Sorry about that).

Arthur and his family -- dim-witted teen-ager Kathy (Shannon Elizabeth) and moronic youngster Bobby -- must fight off the vengeful spirits with the help of ghostbuster Matthew Lillard, who acts as if he is being given electroshocks during shooting.

Look, the plot is flimsy and gets even worse when the plot twist comes up halfway through the film, but the movie does deliver some genuine scares and some good gross-out moments.

The acting is uniformly lackluster, but special dishonor must go out to Rah Digga as the family's maid. Despite being hit over the head about how poor this family is, they still can somehow afford a live-in housekeeper?

Perhaps it's just so she can be the Sassy Black Character, burdened with truly ridiculous lines that the filmmakers thought must have been funny. They're not.

And trust me, if you've ever had any trace of epilepsy, ever, stay away from this movie. There are more flashing lights and quick cuts here than I've ever seen.

Going the complete opposite route of the loud, flashy route is SESSION 9 (R) ***, which gets its scares the implied way.

A crew of asbestos cleaners, led by the gruff Gordon (Peter Mullan) and the brash Phil (David Caruso), takes a job at an abandoned mental hospital. Faced with working in a genuinely creepy place, the job gets worse when creepy things start happening.

This is one of those movies that starts slowly but keeps building, adding layers of dread onto the proceedings. You're not exactly sure what's going on, and that adds to the mood.

It's nice to see David Caruso again after committing one of the worst career moves ever in leaving "NYPD Blue" at its peak. Still, I wonder what he thinks about appearing in low-budget movies while Dennis Franz racks up Emmys.

"Session 9" owes a lot to "The Shining," from its scary locale to the ominous voices that torment the characters.

But The Video Guy was certainly perplexed by the ending, which tried to go for that Blair Witch kind of shock, but just left me confused.

For a perfect example of what is wrong with today's horror movies, there is the travesty known as SOUL SURVIVORS (R) *, which tried to go the "Scream" route by plastering a bunch of pretty faces into tense situations, but actually wound up sitting on the shelf for two years before being dumped into about 20 theaters.

Where to start? How about the plot, which consists of coed Cassie (Melissa Sagemiller) coming to grips with the car accident that killed her boyfriend (Casey Affleck) on the eve of freshman year.

Friends Matt (Wes Bentley) and Annabel (Eliza Dushku) try to help her out of her miasma, but Cassie is tormented by spooky visions and the presence of her dead boyfriend.

That's fine and dandy at first, but I'm not kidding when I say the exact same thing happens for the next hour. Cassie sees freaky dudes and runs, only to feel silly when no one is there. Repeat.

And I won't even get started on the ending, which is a complete cop out and truly lazy filmmaking.

Elliott Smith is a sportswriter for The Olympian by night and The Video Guy even later at night. Readers may send comments or suggestions to esmith@olympia.gannett.com.

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Star guide

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Good * * *

Fair * *

Poor *

The Olympian Copyright 2002

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